Friendship Nisi

“Friendship is the marriage of the soul, and this marriage is liable to divorce” – Voltaire

When do you end a friendship? Is there a legal process? Do you have to declare a “Friendship Nisi” or announce your separation? Do you take an ad in the paper or send out cards like that scene in “Eternal Sunshine” letting everybody know that you and X are no longer pals and shouldn’t mention them in your presence again?

The levels of friendship are varied and detailed but can be best surmised on the following scale:-

*

Cock

Twat

Prick

Whohellhe

Nodding acquaintance

Bloke

Mate

Friend

Crony

Best mate

Bumchum**

* - There is a worse level than Cock and we all know what it is but this is a family blog not The Guardian so it won’t be reprinted here.

** - Not usually literal. Usually used by spurned Cronies to comfort each other that they have not achieved alpha-friend status with said object of affection.

Bloke & Mate level tend to be reserved for work acquaintances and/or male partners of female friends/relatives. You might get a friend out of work but no more than one or two unless you are one of those creepy David Brentalikes who keep going back after you have left and confirm what everybody thought about you in the first place which may have led to you leaving.

People usually carry out internal friend audits and work out how many they have, who can be let go, space freed up for new one’s etc. The usual limit is one best mate or bumchum, two or three cronies, four or five friends, and approx. ten or more mates. It would be easier if there was a proper squad system implemented when people coud be allocated numbers according to their level and like the charts, can rise or fall according to their current status. This could even be publicised and could have a whole slew of spin-off programmes debating the reasons for changes and predictions for the future. Far more entertaining than Big Brother.

The above just relates to male friendships. As usual, women have far more complex, arcane and arbitary systems to decide standing and status. For instance, the concept of the “Frenemy” is as alien to a man as an A-line.

Ultimately, Friendship, Acquaintanceship, hanging out, whatever you want to call it, is a two-way street. You either do or you don’t want to hang with someone. Sometimes things change. Sometimes it’s because of you, sometimes it isn’t; and sometimes it’s because you would rather stay at home and watch Cheaters than shoot the breeze with a pinhead who you only know because your cousin went out with a bloke who worked in the same place as their sister to begin with.